The boys are progressing well these days. As most of you know, with parenting, some days are certainly better than others.

We are working heavily with attaching and bonding and when we take the boys out in public we are asking people to keep their distance and have no eye contact with them or interaction. They do not have the concept of what a mama and papa are and that we will be with them forever. As far as they know we are just another caregiver who can leave at any point in time. It is hard on everyone because naturally they want to hug and love on them. I think grandparents are having it the toughest.

On Sunday the 13^th we felt like Sasha had a major attachment breakthrough. I was heading out to do some errands and shopping by myself and he got down off of Kelly’s lap (who he is majorly attached to) and came over to me crying. I picked him up and held him and started crying with him. It was a good moment.

Morning:

Today I don’t feel much like bonding. I have a lot of negative emotions going on so I have decided to distance myself from my children. I think this is better than undoing any attachment by letting them see my anger/frustration.

When I am feeding them I am not making eye contact which I normally do because it is good bonding. I was getting annoyed because Sasha about claws his way out of the highchair between bites and his saliva gland is so over active when he opens his mouth for a bite I get squirted. Literally! Not joking here! His behavior concerning food reminds of me “Pavlov’s Dog”. (I am not disrespecting my son and calling him a dog by any means!) Whenever he hears the microwave start he comes running into the kitchen and literally starts drooling all over the place and making all kinds of “happy” racket. This can take place minutes after getting down from a large full meal in the highchair. One evening after the kids were in bed and had been quiet for a while I turned on the microwave and he started he “happy” racket.

After having a morning of being annoyed by everything and everyone I put Sasha on my lap to clip his toenails and fingernails. I was able to relax with him and enjoy the little snuggle moment. When I was done he looked up at me with the biggest smile and then asked to be rocked. I started rocking and he just snuggled in really good. This is such a huge improvement because he is typically stiff as a board. He kept looking up at me and smiling and we had some really good positive eye contact. I smiled at him and told him how much I loved him. I truly fell in love with him a little more…Bonding is such a process and it can be tough for the parents too.

Afternoon:

This afternoon Kristofer spiraled out of control. No matter what I said he would not listen and would cut me off when I was trying to talk to him. We have been working on “using our words” for a very long so this is very frustrating for me. After having him out of control and bouncing off the walls (by that I mean running down the hall and slamming into the wall) I took him to the floor for a much needed “Federici” hold. After 40 minutes of deep screaming and crying he finally was able to get himself together and focused. Emotionally and mentally I am drained. My heart is breaking for my little boy.

While the hold was going on Igor and Sasha were running around playing very well together. I was very thankful for this. However, Igor had a very stinky diaper and I had to let him be in it until Kristofer got himself together. I have such a wonderful hubby who knew I was having a rough day. He came home early and took care of the diaper for me.

Evening:

Kelly took the kids outside to play so I could regroup emotionally and get dinner ready for the kids. While he fed them I went on a much needed 3 mile walk with my neighbor. There is nothing like exercise to release those happy endorphins and make it all better. Well, ok it is taking a lot more than that to get me happy.

When I came home Kelly had the kids going through the bath cycle so I read the two little ones a story and then took them to their room to rock while Kelly got Dima ready for bed.

As I was rocking I just know there has got to be a better way to make my family work. All of my time is taken during the day dealing with Dima and Sasha’s tantrums and when Igor wants my attention I am usually trying to get another meal or snack ready or I am just burned out and need a moment from holding someone. If I tell him just a minute he scrunches his face all up and goes and hits something. Mind you he is my sweet happy go lucky little guy that did not know this bad behavior before he met Dima and Sasha. It breaks my heart. I want my family to be happy!

Here is another example. Igor fell down and was truly hurt and was crying like crazy. I rushed to comfort him and Sasha immediately wanted up. I told him just a minute so he walked over to the bookshelf and bonked his head. Then he looked up at me and scrunched his face up and touched his head and did the big “oooh” face. I looked at him and told him to stop it. Ugh, jealousy.

Well, now that I have done a lot of praying and crying my eyes out I am going to get the kitchen cleaned up and go to bed. I am hoping for some incredible strength tomorrow.