Day 5 of Therapeutic Lockdown-Compassion

It is amazing how calm I am able to stay when I let compassion through. As a first time mommy it was not so easy. To my “first time mommy friends” Hang in there. This is only a small fraction of time and it will pass and get better because after your first child you are able to tune out crying. For those of you who do not understand what we go through as new adoptive parents imagine an 18 month old with colic. Good times. When we adopted Kristofer I was sure the rest of the world was nuts for continuing to have children and now look at me with two more. Oh my, I have to laugh at myself.

My boys cry every morning while I’m making breakfast. I just tune them out and reassure them here and there that they are going to be fed. They may not understand my words now, but they will. They have learned that crying gets them fed and now it will take time for them to learn that they will always be fed in this house.

Here is a quote to keep close for those of you who may be struggling:

“Keeping compassion as our reference point encourages us to have the patience and stamina to keep trying on the toughest days.”

The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis, Ph.D., David R. Cross, Ph.D., and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

Some thoughts on yesterday:

I worked a lot with Igor and his chewing issue. He started doing better and while I was feeding them I at an apple. Sasha started grunting at me and really wanted a bite so I thought I’d try it since he chews well. He bit off a little chunk and thoroughly enjoyed it. Of course, Igor could not be left out and wanted a bite too. I was concerned to try it, but it did him good. At first he just put his mouth on the apple and did not bite hard. Then he figured it out and his bite started getting stronger. A couple of times he bit off some good chunks and boy was I nervous. I was so proud of him because he actually chewed them well.

Sasha gave me more kisses and snuggles. It was so sweet at one point I was holding him and patting his back. He started patting mine. Sigh…Melted my heart.

Sasha was crying and dropped his binky. Igor picked it up and shoved it into Sasha’s mouth. I think he was tired of the crying too!

Today the younger boys took a 2.5 hour nap and Kristofer and I got to spend some good quality time together. We played Candy Land and read stories. Kristofer was in dire need of some extra mommy time. He is still doing a great job hanging in there and being a good big brother. For the most part he is patient and good to them. At the end of the day everyone seems to get a little roudy and cranky until we put them into their beds. Then it is sweet silence. Aaahhhh….

I want to share what Kelly wrote from our children’s perspectives of what they are experiencing right now. When I read it I started crying because it made their pain so much more real and I was able to see it and have compassion for them.

If my children were to discuss their current situations with us and if we were able to listen, this is likely what they would say.

"Hello, I'm Sasha. That's a nickname for Alexander, the name that my birth mother gave me before she terminated her parental rights and left me at the hospital. I stayed there for nearly a month before I was able to go to the baby home. Once I was there I received the best care that was possible from the few caregivers and the dozens of children. There were more children in the home that what should have been. It was very stressful. Since there were so many of us babies, we had to eat really fast. We were also on a very rigid schedule. Every day, we I ate at the same time, slept at the same time and were changed at the same time. Sometimes I had on a dirty diaper for too long. Sometimes I lay awake in bed because I was stressed and not tired. Early on I would cry for someone to change me or hold me while I was trying to go to sleep. I would just cry, but no one would come. After several months, I just gave up.

"Nights were the worst. I would wake up and cry but no one was there. So I would sit up on my hands and knees and rock back and forth and cry myself asleep. I still do this when I wake up in the night and can't find my pacifier. Luckily my Mama and Papa hear me cry and come in the find my pacifier for me. They put it in my mouth, lay me down and rub my back. About my mama and papa, they are not like any people I've ever met, and I've had quite a few caregivers in 18 months. I've only known them for about two weeks now, but I've know other caregivers longer. They talk a funny language but sometimes say a few Russian words that I recognize. I'm not sure if I trust them any more than my last caregiver. I really miss her.

"Mama and Papa spent some time this weekend and made the big living room look much more like the orphanage I used to live in: tan walls, a few pieces of furniture and a few toys. I feel much better now. Too many toys, noises and distractions was making my very irritable. My brother Igor is doing better too. I'll let him tell you."

"Добрый день, (Doh-brey-dean, that's "good day" in Russian). My name is Igor (ee-Grley). Like my brothers who still have Russian nicknames, that is the name my birth mother gave me in the hospital in Rostov-on-Don, Russia before she terminated her parental rights. I stayed in the hospital for several weeks before I was able to go to the baby home. My baby home was nice too, but was also over crowded. I got to visit with these strangers for just two hours in May and three hours in June. Then in August they came and took me out of the baby home. I got to ride in a car for the first time! On the same day, I got to fly from Rostov to Moscow!

"Several days later I got up at 4:30 a.m. Moscow Time and rushed to the airport. After staying with my mama for over two hours in line to get our tickets we barely made our flight, but it was delayed for nine hours. We got to stay in the business lounge, but I got really tired of that. We finally got to fly to Frankfurt, Germany. But when we got there we had to wait for four hours for Papa to get hotel arrangements and get me and my brother an emergency visa so that we could sleep in Frankfurt. You see, my brother and I at the time were still Russian citizens and couldn't be in Germany even though we weren't even two years old!

"The next day we got up early and flew to Chicago. That was a long nine hour flight. Later that day we flew into Louisville, Kentucky. My Mama carried me in a sling. I got really tired and sweaty in it. They tell me the sweating is from my Rickets, a Vitamin D deficiency. I think it is just because I'm scared. I'm also very itchy because I got Scabies right before we left Russia. Tonight, Mama put cream all over my body. I sure hope it takes care of this. I'm in a new house, with new people, two new brothers, I itch really badly and I don't feel very good. I'm also tired of hearing Sasha cry. I really like to play with Dima in his room and in the yard. He's pretty neat. He can talk next."

"Hi, I'm Dima and I'm 4. I need to tell you where babies come from. You drive to the bank and get a bunch of money. Then go on an airplane, that is not broken, three times. You fly to Russia. You are gone a long, long time. Then you can bring home a baby. Their ears will be really owie on the plane and they will cry like this, waahhh. When Mama and Papa brought home my little brothers, I stayed at Grammy and Pa Orr's house for a week on the first trip, at Grandma and Pa Kinkade's house on the second trip and with both of them on the third trip. I wanted to have five little brothers, but my mama and papa said, two. I love them so much.

"I love my mama and papa, too. I tell them that a lot each day. I miss them. We used to ride bikes, jump on the trampoline, eat dinner and ice cream together on the porch, and go on trips. But, now that my little brothers are home, I have to share my time with them. It makes me mad some times. I go to my room and cry sometimes, but mama and papa make me come back out and snuggle with them on the couch for a while. But I have to do that with my little brothers, too. I love them, but I sure miss my time with mama and papa. I'm trying to understand these changes, but it's just hard."

I survived!!!

Today was my first day home alone with all three children and it went well. My children were cranky/grieving and defiant and I kept cool and took care of business. I also managed to keep up with the dishes, keep the house picked up, sit and play with the boys, take them outside twice, get them to nap on time AND had dinner on the table when Kelly walked in the door. Yeah, that’s right I went ahead and gave myself the title of supermom. We will see if I can keep that title tomorrow!

Kelly left for work this morning and I did not want him to go. I could feel the emotions coming on and I was hoping he would get out the door quick. Nope. He didn’t want to go either, so he kept lingering and then I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. He finally got out the door and had to come back in twice for stuff he forgot. The boys were so confused by the time he left. At 10am Kristofer started asking when papa was coming home. Holy cow, I heard that at LEAST once every hour!When Kelly did walk in the door it was so cute to see the joy and excitement on all three boy’s faces. They do love their papa.

Over all Kristofer did well today. We did have a couple of episodes of him being mean to his brothers. Once Igor started crying out of the blue. I asked Kristofer what happened and he told me Igor hit his hand on something. After I picked Igor up and loved on him and told him to be careful Kristofer admitted he did it. I thanked him for telling me the truth and explained how we need to be nice and kind to our brothers.

Sasha and Mama had another moment. He gave me his first open mouth wet sloppy kiss!! He has been giving them to Kelly for the past two weeks so it melted my heart even more. We are bonding!!!

I have noticed with Sasha that feeding time is a high anxiety time. I feed them out of the same bowl and alternate bites between them. Poor Sasha’s legs are going a hundred miles a minute and he is pulling on his tray trying to get at the bowl. At dinner I decided to try something different. I had Kelly feed Sasha at the opposite end of the table from me feeding Igor. Sasha is a much faster eater, but his anxiety level was very low. He still cried and threw a fit when it was over. Igor was able to eat at a much slower pace and I got him chewing a lot more than usual.

After dinner Kelly and I kept right on schedule of giving baths and putting the boys to bed. I gave Sasha his bath first by himself and he is improving little by little. He did not shake as much today and his crying was a little decreased. He still gets mad at the water spout and smacks at it. It is kinda funny.

All three boys were in bed by 7:20pm and asleep by 7:40pm. Mama is pleased with this day.

I'll leave you with this quote that I think is great.

"If we can experience another's mind in our own, we know that love is possible." --George Bowering

Today we had some breakthroughs with Sasha, but our little Igor is starting to grieve. Igor has been so happy go lucky these past three weeks I didn’t recognize it as grief at first.

Igor had been a little needier (needing to be held) today, but still for the most part was his happy little self until dinner time tonight. He had been crying while I made their dinner, but I thought it was because he was hungry and wanted to be held. I put both boys in their chairs and Sasha was making his happy noises about being fed. Igor just lay forward on his tray and cried. It was a stronger cry and was coming from the back of his throat. I tried coaxing him to sit up and eat and he was having none of it. I took him out of the chair and put him on the floor so he would understand he had to sit up to eat and I thought he was having a tantrum for no apparent reason. He just folded over and did more very deep crying.

My first instinct was to get mad/irritated and then it dawned me that he had finally started grieving. I wasn’t sure what to do because I was the only one home and trying to feed Sasha, but I knew Igor NEEDED to be held. I picked him up and put him on my lap and kept feeding Sasha. Igor was able to settle down and eat. I guess he needed the comfort of being close to me. My heart is breaking for him.

Sasha’s breakthroughs started as soon as he got up this morning. I walked out of the bedroom holding him and he saw Kristofer in the hall and stretched out his hands and fell towards him. He wanted a good morning hug from his big brother. Igor got two hugs from Sasha today too; one in the morning and one after Igor’s meltdown at dinner. It kinda makes me wonder if he understands Igor’s grief and he was trying to comfort him.

Sasha also let me hold both he and Igor at the same time without getting mad and getting down.

I think Sasha and I are really starting to bond now. He was sitting on Kelly’s lap, jumped down and ran to me with his arms up ready for me to pick him up. That has NEVER happened. He sat on my lap for a little while and then got down and went about his business. Throughout the day he wanted me to hold him. He was so much more relaxed against me. It feels like he is more my baby now. I know this bond is only going to get stronger.

Sasha has really improved with bath time too. Normally while he is in the tub he is screaming in terror and trying to claw his way out. Today he was shaking and crying, but only cried when I poured the water over him. (And no I did not dump any water over his head.) There was no screaming involved. Instead of giving him baths we have been washing him down with a washcloth and doing little things with him to get him used to the water. We let Igor and Kristofer play in the tub and take him in to watch. I also put his little feet over the tub and pour water on them. Kelly did this as well outside with the pool. He did not cry just did very heavy breathing because it stressed him out. Sasha is so terrified of water he screamed in terror when rain drops fell on him. Poor baby.

Kristofer did very well today. He helped me feed his brothers lunch and it was really a big help. We are trying our hardest to keep everything very positive for him. We have two rules right now that he has to abide by.

#1 is we only talk. Translations mean no yelling.

#2 is we walk. Translation means he is not allowed to run around the house like a crazy boy because it over stimulates his brothers and kinda freaks them out.

I walked up behind Kristofer when he was bugging Igor. It was hilarious to watch. He was holding Igor’s arm until Igor bent over his hand open mouthed ready to bite him. At the last second Kristofer would let go and jerk his hand away. He did this like three times before he realized I was watching him. He did not get in trouble, but I did mention to him that it is not nice to aggravate. He looked at me a little sheepishly.

We found out on Friday when we took the boys to the International Adoption Clinic that Igor has scabies. We did a treatment last night and I have been doing laundry all day washing our clothes and bed sheets in hot water. Why is it we just have to have all the drama? I’m beginning to think I’d like to share it with someone else. I mean really…

At the end of this day I am finding myself falling more in love and attaching to my boys and my heart is aching for them. I know in some ways all three of them are grieving. Yes, even Kristofer. He is used to having me all to himself every day and now he has to share me. It cannot be easy for him.

Tomorrow is my big day. Kelly is going back to work so it is going to be all me until about 5:30pm. I have to admit I am a little nervous, but I know I am capable. For those of you who offered me your phone numbers get ready! I might burn up those phone lines. (grin)

Longing for Russia

Yes, CM I am in the same boat as you. Oh, to go back to the happy days of our children in Moscow.

I never thought those words would cross my mind, but in a sense I am longing for Russia. I was thinking back on how good the boys behaved when we were in Moscow and how things had changed. I was trying to figure out what we were doing different and if we needed to change it to make the boys happy. Then I realized that in Moscow they were scared and shut down little boys. Yes, they appeared happy giving us laughs and giggles, but they were not comfortable with us yet to show how they were really feeling. Now they are comfortable with us and their grief is starting to show. I was reading my friend CM’s blog and the puzzle pieces just fell together.

Our little Sasha/London is having a tough go of it. Poor little thing. He cries more often than not. I’d say about 95% of the time. One thing is he does not like is human touch when he is upset/mad and crying/screaming and he only want to self sooth. He will self sooth by sitting and rocking or getting on his hands and knees and rock back and forth. Depending on how upset/mad he is his rocking can be pretty violent. It is at that point one of us will pick him up and hold him which he does not like. We just put him on our lap facing out and our arms around him loose enough that he can wiggle a bit, but not get down.

The first time I did a hold on him I decided to leave his arms out to be nice and just put my arms around his waist. I learned real quick his arms have to be pinned at his side or he will pinch and scratch. That day I also learned exactly how I had to hold him so he could not lean over and bite me. He did not bite hard, but still he bit just enough to let me know he was not happy.

You might think it is silly for us to hold him during his tantrum and we should just ignore him and leave him alone. The reason we do a hold is to break his cycle of relying on himself. He has done that his whole life and we want him to learn that we will always be there, we are his parents, and we will always take care of him.

I want to make very it clear we are not doing holding therapy when he is being calm and happy. We only do this when he is having a tantrum/meltdown. There are some therapists out there that believe holding therapy is good to do when the child is calm and cause them to be very upset. According to Dr. Federici this is not healthy holding therapy and I believe him. He is one of the best adoption therapists out there.

Igor/Kolton is a happy go lucky little guy. He is happy 95% of the time and cries on occasion. His cry is opposite Sasha’s screaming and it is a gentler pitiful cry. It us usually because he is hurt, tired or hungry all things we can usually fix. Igor and Dima have really bonded too. They do a lot of playing during the day.

Kristofer/Dima has taken his roll of big brother VERY seriously. He says it is his job to throw away the diapers. I thought this might last for a day or two, but when I asked if he still wanted to throw them away for me he said, “Yes, because it is mine job!” in the most serious voice. Too cute

Another cute moment was when Kristofer had been naughty and had to put his nose on the wall. Sasha came over and looked up at Kristofer and then put his nose on the wall too. He stood there for about 10 seconds and then toddled off to play. I chuckled and said to myself, “Yeah, he was testing it out because he knows he is going to spend some time there too in a few years.”

Since our home has been such a change for the boys we stripped the living room of a lot of stuff. It is down to our couches and rocking chairs, and the entertainment center making it more like the bare orphanage the boys are used to. We also decided to start a 30 day “Federici” lockdown and not take the boys anywhere except outside to play. We are going to wait to invite anyone over until this time is over with. This will help lower their stress levels and help them to bond to us which is very important.

Today was day one and we survived!!! I have great hope that all will be well in the next few weeks. God is on our side!

Name Reveal!

We were keeping the boys names a secret until we got home so I thought I'd share them now that we have been home for 2 weeks! Yes, I know, I am very late on updating. Give me just a little break. I am VERY busy around here. I feel like all I do is feed them and change diapers. So anyways...

Igor's name has been changed to Kolton Wayne and Sasha's name has been changed to London Dale. Their middle names are our father's middle names.
We are having a hard time calling them by their new names because we have called them by their Russian names for so long. We do plan to continue calling them by their Russian names all through out their life like we do with Kristofer/Dima. Their birth mothers did name them and I think it is only fair to continue to use those names.