Today we had some breakthroughs with Sasha, but our little Igor is starting to grieve. Igor has been so happy go lucky these past three weeks I didn’t recognize it as grief at first.

Igor had been a little needier (needing to be held) today, but still for the most part was his happy little self until dinner time tonight. He had been crying while I made their dinner, but I thought it was because he was hungry and wanted to be held. I put both boys in their chairs and Sasha was making his happy noises about being fed. Igor just lay forward on his tray and cried. It was a stronger cry and was coming from the back of his throat. I tried coaxing him to sit up and eat and he was having none of it. I took him out of the chair and put him on the floor so he would understand he had to sit up to eat and I thought he was having a tantrum for no apparent reason. He just folded over and did more very deep crying.

My first instinct was to get mad/irritated and then it dawned me that he had finally started grieving. I wasn’t sure what to do because I was the only one home and trying to feed Sasha, but I knew Igor NEEDED to be held. I picked him up and put him on my lap and kept feeding Sasha. Igor was able to settle down and eat. I guess he needed the comfort of being close to me. My heart is breaking for him.

Sasha’s breakthroughs started as soon as he got up this morning. I walked out of the bedroom holding him and he saw Kristofer in the hall and stretched out his hands and fell towards him. He wanted a good morning hug from his big brother. Igor got two hugs from Sasha today too; one in the morning and one after Igor’s meltdown at dinner. It kinda makes me wonder if he understands Igor’s grief and he was trying to comfort him.

Sasha also let me hold both he and Igor at the same time without getting mad and getting down.

I think Sasha and I are really starting to bond now. He was sitting on Kelly’s lap, jumped down and ran to me with his arms up ready for me to pick him up. That has NEVER happened. He sat on my lap for a little while and then got down and went about his business. Throughout the day he wanted me to hold him. He was so much more relaxed against me. It feels like he is more my baby now. I know this bond is only going to get stronger.

Sasha has really improved with bath time too. Normally while he is in the tub he is screaming in terror and trying to claw his way out. Today he was shaking and crying, but only cried when I poured the water over him. (And no I did not dump any water over his head.) There was no screaming involved. Instead of giving him baths we have been washing him down with a washcloth and doing little things with him to get him used to the water. We let Igor and Kristofer play in the tub and take him in to watch. I also put his little feet over the tub and pour water on them. Kelly did this as well outside with the pool. He did not cry just did very heavy breathing because it stressed him out. Sasha is so terrified of water he screamed in terror when rain drops fell on him. Poor baby.

Kristofer did very well today. He helped me feed his brothers lunch and it was really a big help. We are trying our hardest to keep everything very positive for him. We have two rules right now that he has to abide by.

#1 is we only talk. Translations mean no yelling.

#2 is we walk. Translation means he is not allowed to run around the house like a crazy boy because it over stimulates his brothers and kinda freaks them out.

I walked up behind Kristofer when he was bugging Igor. It was hilarious to watch. He was holding Igor’s arm until Igor bent over his hand open mouthed ready to bite him. At the last second Kristofer would let go and jerk his hand away. He did this like three times before he realized I was watching him. He did not get in trouble, but I did mention to him that it is not nice to aggravate. He looked at me a little sheepishly.

We found out on Friday when we took the boys to the International Adoption Clinic that Igor has scabies. We did a treatment last night and I have been doing laundry all day washing our clothes and bed sheets in hot water. Why is it we just have to have all the drama? I’m beginning to think I’d like to share it with someone else. I mean really…

At the end of this day I am finding myself falling more in love and attaching to my boys and my heart is aching for them. I know in some ways all three of them are grieving. Yes, even Kristofer. He is used to having me all to himself every day and now he has to share me. It cannot be easy for him.

Tomorrow is my big day. Kelly is going back to work so it is going to be all me until about 5:30pm. I have to admit I am a little nervous, but I know I am capable. For those of you who offered me your phone numbers get ready! I might burn up those phone lines. (grin)