Day 5 of Therapeutic Lockdown-Compassion

It is amazing how calm I am able to stay when I let compassion through. As a first time mommy it was not so easy. To my “first time mommy friends” Hang in there. This is only a small fraction of time and it will pass and get better because after your first child you are able to tune out crying. For those of you who do not understand what we go through as new adoptive parents imagine an 18 month old with colic. Good times. When we adopted Kristofer I was sure the rest of the world was nuts for continuing to have children and now look at me with two more. Oh my, I have to laugh at myself.

My boys cry every morning while I’m making breakfast. I just tune them out and reassure them here and there that they are going to be fed. They may not understand my words now, but they will. They have learned that crying gets them fed and now it will take time for them to learn that they will always be fed in this house.

Here is a quote to keep close for those of you who may be struggling:

“Keeping compassion as our reference point encourages us to have the patience and stamina to keep trying on the toughest days.”

The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis, Ph.D., David R. Cross, Ph.D., and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

Some thoughts on yesterday:

I worked a lot with Igor and his chewing issue. He started doing better and while I was feeding them I at an apple. Sasha started grunting at me and really wanted a bite so I thought I’d try it since he chews well. He bit off a little chunk and thoroughly enjoyed it. Of course, Igor could not be left out and wanted a bite too. I was concerned to try it, but it did him good. At first he just put his mouth on the apple and did not bite hard. Then he figured it out and his bite started getting stronger. A couple of times he bit off some good chunks and boy was I nervous. I was so proud of him because he actually chewed them well.

Sasha gave me more kisses and snuggles. It was so sweet at one point I was holding him and patting his back. He started patting mine. Sigh…Melted my heart.

Sasha was crying and dropped his binky. Igor picked it up and shoved it into Sasha’s mouth. I think he was tired of the crying too!

Today the younger boys took a 2.5 hour nap and Kristofer and I got to spend some good quality time together. We played Candy Land and read stories. Kristofer was in dire need of some extra mommy time. He is still doing a great job hanging in there and being a good big brother. For the most part he is patient and good to them. At the end of the day everyone seems to get a little roudy and cranky until we put them into their beds. Then it is sweet silence. Aaahhhh….

I want to share what Kelly wrote from our children’s perspectives of what they are experiencing right now. When I read it I started crying because it made their pain so much more real and I was able to see it and have compassion for them.

If my children were to discuss their current situations with us and if we were able to listen, this is likely what they would say.

"Hello, I'm Sasha. That's a nickname for Alexander, the name that my birth mother gave me before she terminated her parental rights and left me at the hospital. I stayed there for nearly a month before I was able to go to the baby home. Once I was there I received the best care that was possible from the few caregivers and the dozens of children. There were more children in the home that what should have been. It was very stressful. Since there were so many of us babies, we had to eat really fast. We were also on a very rigid schedule. Every day, we I ate at the same time, slept at the same time and were changed at the same time. Sometimes I had on a dirty diaper for too long. Sometimes I lay awake in bed because I was stressed and not tired. Early on I would cry for someone to change me or hold me while I was trying to go to sleep. I would just cry, but no one would come. After several months, I just gave up.

"Nights were the worst. I would wake up and cry but no one was there. So I would sit up on my hands and knees and rock back and forth and cry myself asleep. I still do this when I wake up in the night and can't find my pacifier. Luckily my Mama and Papa hear me cry and come in the find my pacifier for me. They put it in my mouth, lay me down and rub my back. About my mama and papa, they are not like any people I've ever met, and I've had quite a few caregivers in 18 months. I've only known them for about two weeks now, but I've know other caregivers longer. They talk a funny language but sometimes say a few Russian words that I recognize. I'm not sure if I trust them any more than my last caregiver. I really miss her.

"Mama and Papa spent some time this weekend and made the big living room look much more like the orphanage I used to live in: tan walls, a few pieces of furniture and a few toys. I feel much better now. Too many toys, noises and distractions was making my very irritable. My brother Igor is doing better too. I'll let him tell you."

"Добрый день, (Doh-brey-dean, that's "good day" in Russian). My name is Igor (ee-Grley). Like my brothers who still have Russian nicknames, that is the name my birth mother gave me in the hospital in Rostov-on-Don, Russia before she terminated her parental rights. I stayed in the hospital for several weeks before I was able to go to the baby home. My baby home was nice too, but was also over crowded. I got to visit with these strangers for just two hours in May and three hours in June. Then in August they came and took me out of the baby home. I got to ride in a car for the first time! On the same day, I got to fly from Rostov to Moscow!

"Several days later I got up at 4:30 a.m. Moscow Time and rushed to the airport. After staying with my mama for over two hours in line to get our tickets we barely made our flight, but it was delayed for nine hours. We got to stay in the business lounge, but I got really tired of that. We finally got to fly to Frankfurt, Germany. But when we got there we had to wait for four hours for Papa to get hotel arrangements and get me and my brother an emergency visa so that we could sleep in Frankfurt. You see, my brother and I at the time were still Russian citizens and couldn't be in Germany even though we weren't even two years old!

"The next day we got up early and flew to Chicago. That was a long nine hour flight. Later that day we flew into Louisville, Kentucky. My Mama carried me in a sling. I got really tired and sweaty in it. They tell me the sweating is from my Rickets, a Vitamin D deficiency. I think it is just because I'm scared. I'm also very itchy because I got Scabies right before we left Russia. Tonight, Mama put cream all over my body. I sure hope it takes care of this. I'm in a new house, with new people, two new brothers, I itch really badly and I don't feel very good. I'm also tired of hearing Sasha cry. I really like to play with Dima in his room and in the yard. He's pretty neat. He can talk next."

"Hi, I'm Dima and I'm 4. I need to tell you where babies come from. You drive to the bank and get a bunch of money. Then go on an airplane, that is not broken, three times. You fly to Russia. You are gone a long, long time. Then you can bring home a baby. Their ears will be really owie on the plane and they will cry like this, waahhh. When Mama and Papa brought home my little brothers, I stayed at Grammy and Pa Orr's house for a week on the first trip, at Grandma and Pa Kinkade's house on the second trip and with both of them on the third trip. I wanted to have five little brothers, but my mama and papa said, two. I love them so much.

"I love my mama and papa, too. I tell them that a lot each day. I miss them. We used to ride bikes, jump on the trampoline, eat dinner and ice cream together on the porch, and go on trips. But, now that my little brothers are home, I have to share my time with them. It makes me mad some times. I go to my room and cry sometimes, but mama and papa make me come back out and snuggle with them on the couch for a while. But I have to do that with my little brothers, too. I love them, but I sure miss my time with mama and papa. I'm trying to understand these changes, but it's just hard."